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Ananda
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Dearest Daughter,
My darling keerthi..i don't know if you will read this when you grow..i just hope so..And if at all you happen to read it, I hope you will be grown enough by then, to respect me and what i am sharing with you..Because for now and the near future, i fear that i will be "just mom" for you..Someone who is born to take care of you and family..who does not go to office..who just stays at home and drinks tea and takes naps..and always has work or cooks when you want to play...Yes, i know that if you perceive me so, it is completely my fault and not yours..And i know that surely when you are married and have kids of your own, you will look at me in a much different light and with much better clarity..until then i have to persevere and just ignore certain things..After all my mom was an angel and thousand times better than me..and to think now that i scolded her, fought with her and undermined her..yes i have been ashamed many times of myself,even now and in future when i think of the way i behaved..But its done!! I have grown and since i am your mother now, i know better.I know that we are both going to have hard times as you grow, since i am impatient and immature myself..Your paati did not pass on her many good virtues to me , it seems...So i am writing this for your understanding in future..
I have played with you, cuddled,hugged, kissed, talked, sang, danced, bathed, fed, slept,taking care of you when you were ill and teaching you your first words...etc etc...i have done so many things which you don't recall now unfortunately..All you recall now is that i am angry with you, and i shout at you all the time..I suppose i am unhappy on my own account..i am itchy and restless most of the time..I want to escape my routine and just be a kid myself..I apologize for making you miserable in the mean time..I hope you will still know how much i love you and cherish you, even though now it looks like i don't much care about you.I am not one of those model-mothers, who are always loving and patient and soft..I am hard, rough and inconsistent..But i really love you..My way of showing it is different...
I hope i will find my calling or career soon, and i will become self-satisfied and happy , so that i will retain my confidence to bring you up as a confident girl and woman. But this letter is not just a confession. It is also a peek through my dreams. I wanted to write a book...i still do..i am not sure if i can..But i will try...I wanted to learn English Literature and Tamil Literature. I want to write lots of poems again as i used to..And someday i want to publish them,,,atleast one book...I want to tour the world...there are lots of dream places..not just one..The first and foremost is Italy...then Paris...Malaysia, Singapore...Newyork, Grand Canyon, Disney world, Hawaii, Miami....Cruising...Yes i know i am greedy :) but when i am just listing my dreams why not list all of them..But what i long for most is, to sit in a Gondola and travel through the streets of italy...sorry but i cant help mention that as much as i love you, you are not included in that italy and paris dream..just me and your dad..or may be me and my friends...i hope you will grow to be one of them...I had given up my career after you were born..not that i was very good in it..but still, i hadn't wanted to give it up..But at that time. i couldnt imagine leaving you in a day-care...i was so much in love with you...i dont know if it was a right or wrong decision..But even though i regret it i still think it was the right decision..Now i have been home for the last five years..I have forgotten to be an independent, intelligent and ambitious woman...i had been a vivacious, independent, self-satisfied, principled girl once..Somewhere along the way i have lost that girl..and become a nagging, dissatisfied, bored wife and mom...If not for anything else, i wish to become that person again, atleast for getting your respect..I want you to look up at me and think of me as an inspiration..not to look down on me as nothing and take me for granted....
And now that you are four and a half years old, and i thought i was ready for beginning my life anew, you have given me another task..You want a baby sister...I had never wanted another child...You were enough for me...Call me selfish or lazy or self-centered..I just didnt want to go through the process of diapers,feeding, cleaning, poop, potty training etc again..I was just done with yours...But now you are so lonely(even though you have friends and toys)..and you think a sibling is your answer..having had a brother, i can tell you from experience that it is not as cracked up as you think it is..But each child is different..and i hope and pray you will have better luck than me..And the only reason i have said yes, is that you have so much more love to give in you..every time i see you look at some kid or dog or cat with that sparkle in your eyes, i feel an ache to give you that joy...if you had just looked at some toy like that, i would not have bought it for you..But when its another living , breathing creature..yes i want to give you that companionship..I have no doubt in my mind, that you will get bored or lose that enthusiasm about babies or pets once you get one of your own...But even after your interest fades, you will realize that you still love them..And they in return love you...You will know in future that it is more fun as long as it is somebody else's responsibility and not yours..But since i cannot give you a brother or sister after you are ten or twenty, i will just have to trust your word, myself and god and give it to you now...that is..in near future..But just know that, i am doing this only for you...and no one else...I am almost thirty now..and i want to enjoy the remaining days as a youthful person..not as an aunty..mother of two...routine house wife and mom...i
never thought i would become so..but i have...i hope i will learn to be a youthful mother of two...I hope you will read this and love me and respect me more later...yes i am selfish to even note this down to let you know that i am doing this for you..But that's how i am..I am just being honest and true to you..I don't know if all mothers tell this to their kids..but i am sure they would have surely thought along these lines..And by the time you read this, i suspect you wouldn't be surprised by my thoughts..You would know that i speak truth, frankly and honestly..(most of the time)..
My darling keerthi..i don't know if you will read this when you grow..i just hope so..And if at all you happen to read it, I hope you will be grown enough by then, to respect me and what i am sharing with you..Because for now and the near future, i fear that i will be "just mom" for you..Someone who is born to take care of you and family..who does not go to office..who just stays at home and drinks tea and takes naps..and always has work or cooks when you want to play...Yes, i know that if you perceive me so, it is completely my fault and not yours..And i know that surely when you are married and have kids of your own, you will look at me in a much different light and with much better clarity..until then i have to persevere and just ignore certain things..After all my mom was an angel and thousand times better than me..and to think now that i scolded her, fought with her and undermined her..yes i have been ashamed many times of myself,even now and in future when i think of the way i behaved..But its done!! I have grown and since i am your mother now, i know better.I know that we are both going to have hard times as you grow, since i am impatient and immature myself..Your paati did not pass on her many good virtues to me , it seems...So i am writing this for your understanding in future..
I have played with you, cuddled,hugged, kissed, talked, sang, danced, bathed, fed, slept,taking care of you when you were ill and teaching you your first words...etc etc...i have done so many things which you don't recall now unfortunately..All you recall now is that i am angry with you, and i shout at you all the time..I suppose i am unhappy on my own account..i am itchy and restless most of the time..I want to escape my routine and just be a kid myself..I apologize for making you miserable in the mean time..I hope you will still know how much i love you and cherish you, even though now it looks like i don't much care about you.I am not one of those model-mothers, who are always loving and patient and soft..I am hard, rough and inconsistent..But i really love you..My way of showing it is different...
I hope i will find my calling or career soon, and i will become self-satisfied and happy , so that i will retain my confidence to bring you up as a confident girl and woman. But this letter is not just a confession. It is also a peek through my dreams. I wanted to write a book...i still do..i am not sure if i can..But i will try...I wanted to learn English Literature and Tamil Literature. I want to write lots of poems again as i used to..And someday i want to publish them,,,atleast one book...I want to tour the world...there are lots of dream places..not just one..The first and foremost is Italy...then Paris...Malaysia, Singapore...Newyork, Grand Canyon, Disney world, Hawaii, Miami....Cruising...Yes i know i am greedy :) but when i am just listing my dreams why not list all of them..But what i long for most is, to sit in a Gondola and travel through the streets of italy...sorry but i cant help mention that as much as i love you, you are not included in that italy and paris dream..just me and your dad..or may be me and my friends...i hope you will grow to be one of them...I had given up my career after you were born..not that i was very good in it..but still, i hadn't wanted to give it up..But at that time. i couldnt imagine leaving you in a day-care...i was so much in love with you...i dont know if it was a right or wrong decision..But even though i regret it i still think it was the right decision..Now i have been home for the last five years..I have forgotten to be an independent, intelligent and ambitious woman...i had been a vivacious, independent, self-satisfied, principled girl once..Somewhere along the way i have lost that girl..and become a nagging, dissatisfied, bored wife and mom...If not for anything else, i wish to become that person again, atleast for getting your respect..I want you to look up at me and think of me as an inspiration..not to look down on me as nothing and take me for granted....
And now that you are four and a half years old, and i thought i was ready for beginning my life anew, you have given me another task..You want a baby sister...I had never wanted another child...You were enough for me...Call me selfish or lazy or self-centered..I just didnt want to go through the process of diapers,feeding, cleaning, poop, potty training etc again..I was just done with yours...But now you are so lonely(even though you have friends and toys)..and you think a sibling is your answer..having had a brother, i can tell you from experience that it is not as cracked up as you think it is..But each child is different..and i hope and pray you will have better luck than me..And the only reason i have said yes, is that you have so much more love to give in you..every time i see you look at some kid or dog or cat with that sparkle in your eyes, i feel an ache to give you that joy...if you had just looked at some toy like that, i would not have bought it for you..But when its another living , breathing creature..yes i want to give you that companionship..I have no doubt in my mind, that you will get bored or lose that enthusiasm about babies or pets once you get one of your own...But even after your interest fades, you will realize that you still love them..And they in return love you...You will know in future that it is more fun as long as it is somebody else's responsibility and not yours..But since i cannot give you a brother or sister after you are ten or twenty, i will just have to trust your word, myself and god and give it to you now...that is..in near future..But just know that, i am doing this only for you...and no one else...I am almost thirty now..and i want to enjoy the remaining days as a youthful person..not as an aunty..mother of two...routine house wife and mom...i
never thought i would become so..but i have...i hope i will learn to be a youthful mother of two...I hope you will read this and love me and respect me more later...yes i am selfish to even note this down to let you know that i am doing this for you..But that's how i am..I am just being honest and true to you..I don't know if all mothers tell this to their kids..but i am sure they would have surely thought along these lines..And by the time you read this, i suspect you wouldn't be surprised by my thoughts..You would know that i speak truth, frankly and honestly..(most of the time)..