Posted by
Ananda
comments (1)
{So the first change-
Dearest Keerthi and my-yet-to-be-born Daughter,
There we go...If whoever is reading this, has already read my previous two blogs, Letters to keerthi and more letters to keerthi...you will know that i stopped my last blog with promise to Keerthi that she shall soon have her baby sister...And i am always true to my word...so last May's promise is going to be fulfilled this May..:)
So i am right now in my 33rd week of pregnancy...So its been long overdue to introduce Rosy Rose..}
I was still deciding whether i should go ahead and get pregnant this fall or that my H4 EAD was here at last, so may be get a job this fall and plan for kid next fall. But god had other plans..i went to india in sept 1st week with K and k , hoping that when i return back from india after a month vacation, i will start looking for jobs full fledge..I discovered that i was pregnant while in india..and it was a complete shock to me..it was a delayed conception..and once again all my plans were collapsing and it was as usual hard for me to take the turn of events. So we came back in October and all others except me were deliriously happy that i was pregnant. Then the usual boy or girl conversations all around. Again other than me and Keerthi, all the others wanted a boy. I wanted a girl, because i have never had a good history with males other than Karthick.
So the fifth month came..and after a pep talk to Keerthi saying that she should not be disappointed if it turned out that she was having a brother and she should be happy whether its a boy or a girl etc etc..We went in for the scan and Keerthi was like half worried that the ultra sound lady was going to do something to me..She was like dont you dare touch my mommy..And till that moment i thought i wanted a girl..but right when she looked at the scan and said "Its a girl..", there was a sharp disappointment in me because for one thing i knew Karthick very much wanted a boy..and also because i realized all along i had been sure its a boy, because both me and karthick had brother-sister combo..it was like first one was a girl so this one must be a boy..again..it took a month or so to recover from this..since all the grandparents were upset that it was a girl again and no heir apparently..(rolling eyes)..but the highlight of all this was, my darling Keerthi of course..she was 5 and mature already.. When we walked out the door after the scan results, Karthick and I were a little upset and Mommy Keerthi took it upon herself to remind us, "Didnt you say that we should be happy whether it was a girl or a boy??Come on cheerup!! I am going to have a baby sister".
So during the whole of my pregnancy Keerthi was going to Noah's ark preschool. And she was super excited about the baby so all the updates about the baby usually gets conveyed to her whole class. So when we picked her that day at school to go for scans, everyone knew that i was going for the scan and thereby next day everyone knew it was a girl :) From the time i got pregnant she kept coming up with names for the baby like Lucy etc etc..and once we knew it was a girl, i dont know how it came about..i am pretty sure it was something to do with minnie..or her nieces..i forget now..(that's what happens when you start a post when you are 33 weeks pregnant, and try to finish when the baby is 2 yrs old and sleeping upstairs) but she came up with the name Rosie rose..all the last 5 months of my pregnancy, the bump was spoken to as Rosie rose..She even asked her preschool teacher to say bye to rosie rose once, when leaving from school..Everyone had come to think of the baby as "Rosy rose". It was so cute and loving actually. But then, around the time of pregnancy, where the name debate was getting hotter, Keerthi had her next condition. She had just observed that her friend Pranav who had a baby brother recently, with name Arnav..and in some conversation i had mentioned that me and my brother had similiar names too..Anandraj and Anandalakshmi..So she was determined that she and her sister should have rhyming names. We kept giving all sorts of name choices to Karthick. But he kept mum. But finally "Rosy rose" was named as "Adhithi Karthick"..(brief story about your name i shall tell you when you grow up :))
P.S: the words in curly braces were started when i was 33 weeks pregnant and i had left them in draft or the other words were lost without saving..so they were in draft for so long..i have just finished them two years later, because i need to write the next letter, observing how the little sister and big sister are getting along and their cute sibling rivalry.
Posted by
Ananda
comments (2)
preface: obviously i thought i could write it all down in one post..but of course i wasn't thinking..because this draft has remained a draft for nearly a year and when i find the time, i dont get the flow, or when i get the damn flow i do not find the time. So i have decided to publish this post as part1..to be written in series(hopefully) like my Letters to Keerthi(another draft waiting). I meant to write this as a fond reminiscing for myself and to all those who know Anand. So that i dont forget the little time i had with him and his quirky personality and the idiosyncrasies we share. And of course all my blog posts are a hope that they will be read by my daughters.
So i had a brother..an elder brother..5 years older than me..i grew up watching him and so obviously i detested him and boys in general..i lived 19 yrs of my life with him..And then boom...he left us all..And became a real devil(rotting in hell i hope), instead of the devil in our lives,,,jokes apart,,I have thought about why he was there in my life, and how he influenced me, what diffference did he make in my life? ..I am not sure but i would have thought along these lines at least a gazillion times...in the last 11 years..after his sudden death...There have been the usual phases of mourning of course..denial, depression, moving on..etc etc..now i can talk about him without getting upset..99.99% of the times,,So coming back to the questions..He is still a mystery..and i dont have answers to a 101 questions..that i never got around to ask..or he never got around to answering...those secrets sleep along with him for eternity..But i do know what all influences he had on me...Looking back i can blame all of my tom-boyish tendencies on him..My poor husband had a hell of a time making me realize that i was actually a girl...So as most of you who had an elder sibling will know that you try to emulate them and consciously or unconsciously you are imitating their actions and some traits are already genetically drilled common to both of you. So naturally my weird attitude is genetic i guess..since my brother and i share the same weirdness,,,Anandraj,,Anandalakshmi..similiar names..May15,May 16..almost same birthdays,,both taureans..stubborn..bull-headed..loyal...die-for-a-friend kinda person...look exactly the same almost..tall..the genetic common traits stop there...He is a tight-lipped person and i am a chatterbox..for every hundred words i speak, he feels his one word or one look is suffiecient reply,,If he chooses to speak in sentences, more than 5 words, then it signals i m in serious trouble,,He was a practical kind of person,, a very no nonsense kind of person..Now i am going to accept this only once..even though it kills me to confess,,I liked him and wanted to be like him..so that he will like me..the silly thought process of a 5 year old girl i suppose,,so from an early age i always thought that all men do not like drama..they do not like makeup..too much gossip,,too girly appearances...crying..whining...all the gooey stuff...and promptly i made myself every bit less girlish..i am not the cry for everything kind, i bought sensible shoes, dresses..no high heels..no matching accesories..no hanging earrings..no flowers on head..i used to wear bata sandals which looked like men's footwear because they were so comfortable and i was tall enough without heels..i still do not know to walk in a high heel even if my life depended on it..because he liked corduroy material..i started liking it too..i only wear cotton, denim and corduroy fabrics to this day..even today i get tempted when i see a corduroy pant..My only hair do is a pony tail..i wore watch for its only purpose,,to see time..not for matching my dress..I can assess a person just by looking at him/her most of the time..Thanks to my bro, i know all the boy tricks..and i cant be easily fooled..I have lost count how many times i have laughed in my head at all the tricks boys do and all the time girls fall for it..
So i had a brother..an elder brother..5 years older than me..i grew up watching him and so obviously i detested him and boys in general..i lived 19 yrs of my life with him..And then boom...he left us all..And became a real devil(rotting in hell i hope), instead of the devil in our lives,,,jokes apart,,I have thought about why he was there in my life, and how he influenced me, what diffference did he make in my life? ..I am not sure but i would have thought along these lines at least a gazillion times...in the last 11 years..after his sudden death...There have been the usual phases of mourning of course..denial, depression, moving on..etc etc..now i can talk about him without getting upset..99.99% of the times,,So coming back to the questions..He is still a mystery..and i dont have answers to a 101 questions..that i never got around to ask..or he never got around to answering...those secrets sleep along with him for eternity..But i do know what all influences he had on me...Looking back i can blame all of my tom-boyish tendencies on him..My poor husband had a hell of a time making me realize that i was actually a girl...So as most of you who had an elder sibling will know that you try to emulate them and consciously or unconsciously you are imitating their actions and some traits are already genetically drilled common to both of you. So naturally my weird attitude is genetic i guess..since my brother and i share the same weirdness,,,Anandraj,,Anandalakshmi..similiar names..May15,May 16..almost same birthdays,,both taureans..stubborn..bull-headed..loyal...die-for-a-friend kinda person...look exactly the same almost..tall..the genetic common traits stop there...He is a tight-lipped person and i am a chatterbox..for every hundred words i speak, he feels his one word or one look is suffiecient reply,,If he chooses to speak in sentences, more than 5 words, then it signals i m in serious trouble,,He was a practical kind of person,, a very no nonsense kind of person..Now i am going to accept this only once..even though it kills me to confess,,I liked him and wanted to be like him..so that he will like me..the silly thought process of a 5 year old girl i suppose,,so from an early age i always thought that all men do not like drama..they do not like makeup..too much gossip,,too girly appearances...crying..whining...all the gooey stuff...and promptly i made myself every bit less girlish..i am not the cry for everything kind, i bought sensible shoes, dresses..no high heels..no matching accesories..no hanging earrings..no flowers on head..i used to wear bata sandals which looked like men's footwear because they were so comfortable and i was tall enough without heels..i still do not know to walk in a high heel even if my life depended on it..because he liked corduroy material..i started liking it too..i only wear cotton, denim and corduroy fabrics to this day..even today i get tempted when i see a corduroy pant..My only hair do is a pony tail..i wore watch for its only purpose,,to see time..not for matching my dress..I can assess a person just by looking at him/her most of the time..Thanks to my bro, i know all the boy tricks..and i cant be easily fooled..I have lost count how many times i have laughed in my head at all the tricks boys do and all the time girls fall for it..
Posted by
Ananda
comments (11)
Some days just drag on, hour after hour stretches ahead...Some days just whiz by before you know it. In all the rush and drama, we just have time to finish chores and get through the day. More often than not we don't have time to relish the small thoughtful gestures of beloved ones. IN our hectic pace, we lose that feel of love, romance, youthfulness, hope and merry spirit. even our sense of humor...But some simple act of affection jerks up your feelings that are buried inside you. And for a few days at least you welcome back the sensation of being loved and hence giving back the feeling to others. The spring in your step and the sparkle in your eyes brighten the day. You go an extra mile to make your loved ones happy. And love, you see is like a bouncy ball. The smallest gesture of love, brings someone joy and heartfelt happiness and it returns to you in one form or other.
Spring is here, and this winter has been easier with the promise of spring. I am nurturing my own bud inside of me, which is growing petal by petal and will be unfurled in to a beautiful blossom this spring. Life has been sweeter and our love just grew an extra inch. It was a much needed change. Yes there was times of denial, confusion, fear and demons. But i have slayed many a demons with you by my side. And now every change in weather, makes me feel one day closer to our very own little spring. Nothing says spring is here, better than all those yellow wild flowers strewn all along the grass. And each day grows more beautiful and perfect, like our little family. The only man ever in my life...My daughter Keerthi and the littlest spring...We are waiting for you..
Posted by
Ananda
comments (1)
There is a chaos to my beauty,
And beauty in my chaos,
A rough edge to my softness,
And a soft lining to my hardness,
There are more demons than angels,
There is a question in my every answer-
And answer in my every question,
There is a silence behind my noise-
And noise behind every one of my silence,
There is a shadow for every light-
And light for every shadow,
A Package of paradox and oxymoron,
So yes, i am simple in a slightly complicated way!!
Posted by
Ananda
comments (0)
The smell of summer blooms in my garden,roses,geraniums,marigold...
they smell of home...
"it is not just us, that have put down roots here"-
they remind me,
i have put down my roots too...
a minute of hope and bliss,
when i see a new bud sprout in my almost dead rose plant,
yet the glimpse of lavender and yellow-
that peek through between the fence,
the wildflowers grown carefree and sprinkled all over,
they beckon the wild streak -
that i keep fenced within my domestic cocoon...
a minute of itching,
when i see the wild flowers..
the whispers of restlessness-
they cease not, though
i try to over-ride them with the noises of mundane life...
Posted by
Ananda
comments (0)
Dearest Daughter,
My darling keerthi..i don't know if you will read this when you grow..i just hope so..And if at all you happen to read it, I hope you will be grown enough by then, to respect me and what i am sharing with you..Because for now and the near future, i fear that i will be "just mom" for you..Someone who is born to take care of you and family..who does not go to office..who just stays at home and drinks tea and takes naps..and always has work or cooks when you want to play...Yes, i know that if you perceive me so, it is completely my fault and not yours..And i know that surely when you are married and have kids of your own, you will look at me in a much different light and with much better clarity..until then i have to persevere and just ignore certain things..After all my mom was an angel and thousand times better than me..and to think now that i scolded her, fought with her and undermined her..yes i have been ashamed many times of myself,even now and in future when i think of the way i behaved..But its done!! I have grown and since i am your mother now, i know better.I know that we are both going to have hard times as you grow, since i am impatient and immature myself..Your paati did not pass on her many good virtues to me , it seems...So i am writing this for your understanding in future..
I have played with you, cuddled,hugged, kissed, talked, sang, danced, bathed, fed, slept,taking care of you when you were ill and teaching you your first words...etc etc...i have done so many things which you don't recall now unfortunately..All you recall now is that i am angry with you, and i shout at you all the time..I suppose i am unhappy on my own account..i am itchy and restless most of the time..I want to escape my routine and just be a kid myself..I apologize for making you miserable in the mean time..I hope you will still know how much i love you and cherish you, even though now it looks like i don't much care about you.I am not one of those model-mothers, who are always loving and patient and soft..I am hard, rough and inconsistent..But i really love you..My way of showing it is different...
I hope i will find my calling or career soon, and i will become self-satisfied and happy , so that i will retain my confidence to bring you up as a confident girl and woman. But this letter is not just a confession. It is also a peek through my dreams. I wanted to write a book...i still do..i am not sure if i can..But i will try...I wanted to learn English Literature and Tamil Literature. I want to write lots of poems again as i used to..And someday i want to publish them,,,atleast one book...I want to tour the world...there are lots of dream places..not just one..The first and foremost is Italy...then Paris...Malaysia, Singapore...Newyork, Grand Canyon, Disney world, Hawaii, Miami....Cruising...Yes i know i am greedy :) but when i am just listing my dreams why not list all of them..But what i long for most is, to sit in a Gondola and travel through the streets of italy...sorry but i cant help mention that as much as i love you, you are not included in that italy and paris dream..just me and your dad..or may be me and my friends...i hope you will grow to be one of them...I had given up my career after you were born..not that i was very good in it..but still, i hadn't wanted to give it up..But at that time. i couldnt imagine leaving you in a day-care...i was so much in love with you...i dont know if it was a right or wrong decision..But even though i regret it i still think it was the right decision..Now i have been home for the last five years..I have forgotten to be an independent, intelligent and ambitious woman...i had been a vivacious, independent, self-satisfied, principled girl once..Somewhere along the way i have lost that girl..and become a nagging, dissatisfied, bored wife and mom...If not for anything else, i wish to become that person again, atleast for getting your respect..I want you to look up at me and think of me as an inspiration..not to look down on me as nothing and take me for granted....
And now that you are four and a half years old, and i thought i was ready for beginning my life anew, you have given me another task..You want a baby sister...I had never wanted another child...You were enough for me...Call me selfish or lazy or self-centered..I just didnt want to go through the process of diapers,feeding, cleaning, poop, potty training etc again..I was just done with yours...But now you are so lonely(even though you have friends and toys)..and you think a sibling is your answer..having had a brother, i can tell you from experience that it is not as cracked up as you think it is..But each child is different..and i hope and pray you will have better luck than me..And the only reason i have said yes, is that you have so much more love to give in you..every time i see you look at some kid or dog or cat with that sparkle in your eyes, i feel an ache to give you that joy...if you had just looked at some toy like that, i would not have bought it for you..But when its another living , breathing creature..yes i want to give you that companionship..I have no doubt in my mind, that you will get bored or lose that enthusiasm about babies or pets once you get one of your own...But even after your interest fades, you will realize that you still love them..And they in return love you...You will know in future that it is more fun as long as it is somebody else's responsibility and not yours..But since i cannot give you a brother or sister after you are ten or twenty, i will just have to trust your word, myself and god and give it to you now...that is..in near future..But just know that, i am doing this only for you...and no one else...I am almost thirty now..and i want to enjoy the remaining days as a youthful person..not as an aunty..mother of two...routine house wife and mom...i
never thought i would become so..but i have...i hope i will learn to be a youthful mother of two...I hope you will read this and love me and respect me more later...yes i am selfish to even note this down to let you know that i am doing this for you..But that's how i am..I am just being honest and true to you..I don't know if all mothers tell this to their kids..but i am sure they would have surely thought along these lines..And by the time you read this, i suspect you wouldn't be surprised by my thoughts..You would know that i speak truth, frankly and honestly..(most of the time)..
My darling keerthi..i don't know if you will read this when you grow..i just hope so..And if at all you happen to read it, I hope you will be grown enough by then, to respect me and what i am sharing with you..Because for now and the near future, i fear that i will be "just mom" for you..Someone who is born to take care of you and family..who does not go to office..who just stays at home and drinks tea and takes naps..and always has work or cooks when you want to play...Yes, i know that if you perceive me so, it is completely my fault and not yours..And i know that surely when you are married and have kids of your own, you will look at me in a much different light and with much better clarity..until then i have to persevere and just ignore certain things..After all my mom was an angel and thousand times better than me..and to think now that i scolded her, fought with her and undermined her..yes i have been ashamed many times of myself,even now and in future when i think of the way i behaved..But its done!! I have grown and since i am your mother now, i know better.I know that we are both going to have hard times as you grow, since i am impatient and immature myself..Your paati did not pass on her many good virtues to me , it seems...So i am writing this for your understanding in future..
I have played with you, cuddled,hugged, kissed, talked, sang, danced, bathed, fed, slept,taking care of you when you were ill and teaching you your first words...etc etc...i have done so many things which you don't recall now unfortunately..All you recall now is that i am angry with you, and i shout at you all the time..I suppose i am unhappy on my own account..i am itchy and restless most of the time..I want to escape my routine and just be a kid myself..I apologize for making you miserable in the mean time..I hope you will still know how much i love you and cherish you, even though now it looks like i don't much care about you.I am not one of those model-mothers, who are always loving and patient and soft..I am hard, rough and inconsistent..But i really love you..My way of showing it is different...
I hope i will find my calling or career soon, and i will become self-satisfied and happy , so that i will retain my confidence to bring you up as a confident girl and woman. But this letter is not just a confession. It is also a peek through my dreams. I wanted to write a book...i still do..i am not sure if i can..But i will try...I wanted to learn English Literature and Tamil Literature. I want to write lots of poems again as i used to..And someday i want to publish them,,,atleast one book...I want to tour the world...there are lots of dream places..not just one..The first and foremost is Italy...then Paris...Malaysia, Singapore...Newyork, Grand Canyon, Disney world, Hawaii, Miami....Cruising...Yes i know i am greedy :) but when i am just listing my dreams why not list all of them..But what i long for most is, to sit in a Gondola and travel through the streets of italy...sorry but i cant help mention that as much as i love you, you are not included in that italy and paris dream..just me and your dad..or may be me and my friends...i hope you will grow to be one of them...I had given up my career after you were born..not that i was very good in it..but still, i hadn't wanted to give it up..But at that time. i couldnt imagine leaving you in a day-care...i was so much in love with you...i dont know if it was a right or wrong decision..But even though i regret it i still think it was the right decision..Now i have been home for the last five years..I have forgotten to be an independent, intelligent and ambitious woman...i had been a vivacious, independent, self-satisfied, principled girl once..Somewhere along the way i have lost that girl..and become a nagging, dissatisfied, bored wife and mom...If not for anything else, i wish to become that person again, atleast for getting your respect..I want you to look up at me and think of me as an inspiration..not to look down on me as nothing and take me for granted....
And now that you are four and a half years old, and i thought i was ready for beginning my life anew, you have given me another task..You want a baby sister...I had never wanted another child...You were enough for me...Call me selfish or lazy or self-centered..I just didnt want to go through the process of diapers,feeding, cleaning, poop, potty training etc again..I was just done with yours...But now you are so lonely(even though you have friends and toys)..and you think a sibling is your answer..having had a brother, i can tell you from experience that it is not as cracked up as you think it is..But each child is different..and i hope and pray you will have better luck than me..And the only reason i have said yes, is that you have so much more love to give in you..every time i see you look at some kid or dog or cat with that sparkle in your eyes, i feel an ache to give you that joy...if you had just looked at some toy like that, i would not have bought it for you..But when its another living , breathing creature..yes i want to give you that companionship..I have no doubt in my mind, that you will get bored or lose that enthusiasm about babies or pets once you get one of your own...But even after your interest fades, you will realize that you still love them..And they in return love you...You will know in future that it is more fun as long as it is somebody else's responsibility and not yours..But since i cannot give you a brother or sister after you are ten or twenty, i will just have to trust your word, myself and god and give it to you now...that is..in near future..But just know that, i am doing this only for you...and no one else...I am almost thirty now..and i want to enjoy the remaining days as a youthful person..not as an aunty..mother of two...routine house wife and mom...i
never thought i would become so..but i have...i hope i will learn to be a youthful mother of two...I hope you will read this and love me and respect me more later...yes i am selfish to even note this down to let you know that i am doing this for you..But that's how i am..I am just being honest and true to you..I don't know if all mothers tell this to their kids..but i am sure they would have surely thought along these lines..And by the time you read this, i suspect you wouldn't be surprised by my thoughts..You would know that i speak truth, frankly and honestly..(most of the time)..
Posted by
Ananda
comments (7)
Dearest Daughter,
I wish many things for you..because i love you as i have loved only a very few before you..even more so than all of them..because you are a piece of my flesh and blood. The laughter in your lips and the gleam of mischief in your eyes make me feel exhilarated..They energise me and at the same time make me fear that you do not lose it as you grow..
May your happiness, enthusiasm and innocence remain with you as you grow in to a beautiful girl, woman, wife and a mother..may you always bubble up with energy and life...may your world be surrounded with colours, sounds and joy..may you see beauty in every thing you behold and may every one behold beauty in every thing you do..may you make as many mistakes you might want to(without knowing ofcourse) and may you learn from every one of them...may you enjoy the simple and ordinary pleasures in life and know them for what they really are..
May you detest anything or anyone artificial..may you grow-up reading as many books as you can..and grow up to be a romantic but pragmatic enough to know the difference between real-life romance and romanticising real-life..may you be frank and direct to your friends rather than be a gossiper..may you have friends who teach you the difference between being frank and being rude like i was taught once..may you always be there for all your friends no matter what..and may you have loads of fun with them always..may you do things impulsively now and then, not always..may you be daring and mischievous..may you laugh often and cry only when really needed..may you always have a friend to listen, hug and chat with you..may there never be a friendless day in your life and if ever one should come, may you have confidence in yourself to carry you through..
May you learn kindness,patience and loving from your grandmother and courage and wisdom from your great-grandmother..may you have friends who teach you sensitivity and a mother who teaches you sensibility(which you surely have)..may your mother be like mine in accepting you as you are, however difficult that might be..may you be your mother's best friend and your mother yours, all your life..
May you have a father who..i dont know what to ask for there..for in that you have the advantage over me it seems..having him is by itself is your greatest blessing i would say:) may you find the strength of a man's arms , wisdom and purse from your father for now and later in a man worthy of you..may you do everything you like , girlish or not and may you be made to feel every inch girlish and womanly by the right man..may you be your own woman not dependent on any of us and may you walk with your held high always..and may we as your parents walk with our head held high too..because of you..
May you never change in essential things and may you retain your spirit no matter what...throughout your life...that my daughter, is what i wish the most for you..that and had you been lucky as me to have an elder brother or a good maternal uncle(i had 4 good ones)..but that is something that cannot be remedied now..may be if god meant for it , you shall have your sibling...may you find happiness, whichever might be the case..and i hope dear lord that i shall make myself better enough for you to be inspired by me..