preface: obviously i thought i could write it all down in one post..but of course i wasn't thinking..because this draft has remained a draft for nearly a year and when i find the time, i dont get the flow, or when i get the damn flow i do not find the time. So i have decided to publish this post as part1..to be written in series(hopefully) like my Letters to Keerthi(another draft waiting). I meant to write this as a fond reminiscing for myself and to all those who know Anand. So that i dont forget the little time i had with him and his quirky personality and the idiosyncrasies we share. And of course all my blog posts are a hope that they will be read by my daughters.
So i had a brother..an elder brother..5 years older than me..i grew up watching him and so obviously i detested him and boys in general..i lived 19 yrs of my life with him..And then boom...he left us all..And became a real devil(rotting in hell i hope), instead of the devil in our lives,,,jokes apart,,I have thought about why he was there in my life, and how he influenced me, what diffference did he make in my life? ..I am not sure but i would have thought along these lines at least a gazillion times...in the last 11 years..after his sudden death...There have been the usual phases of mourning of course..denial, depression, moving on..etc etc..now i can talk about him without getting upset..99.99% of the times,,So coming back to the questions..He is still a mystery..and i dont have answers to a 101 questions..that i never got around to ask..or he never got around to answering...those secrets sleep along with him for eternity..But i do know what all influences he had on me...Looking back i can blame all of my tom-boyish tendencies on him..My poor husband had a hell of a time making me realize that i was actually a girl...So as most of you who had an elder sibling will know that you try to emulate them and consciously or unconsciously you are imitating their actions and some traits are already genetically drilled common to both of you. So naturally my weird attitude is genetic i guess..since my brother and i share the same weirdness,,,Anandraj,,Anandalakshmi..similiar names..May15,May 16..almost same birthdays,,both taureans..stubborn..bull-headed..loyal...die-for-a-friend kinda person...look exactly the same almost..tall..the genetic common traits stop there...He is a tight-lipped person and i am a chatterbox..for every hundred words i speak, he feels his one word or one look is suffiecient reply,,If he chooses to speak in sentences, more than 5 words, then it signals i m in serious trouble,,He was a practical kind of person,, a very no nonsense kind of person..Now i am going to accept this only once..even though it kills me to confess,,I liked him and wanted to be like him..so that he will like me..the silly thought process of a 5 year old girl i suppose,,so from an early age i always thought that all men do not like drama..they do not like makeup..too much gossip,,too girly appearances...crying..whining...all the gooey stuff...and promptly i made myself every bit less girlish..i am not the cry for everything kind, i bought sensible shoes, dresses..no high heels..no matching accesories..no hanging earrings..no flowers on head..i used to wear bata sandals which looked like men's footwear because they were so comfortable and i was tall enough without heels..i still do not know to walk in a high heel even if my life depended on it..because he liked corduroy material..i started liking it too..i only wear cotton, denim and corduroy fabrics to this day..even today i get tempted when i see a corduroy pant..My only hair do is a pony tail..i wore watch for its only purpose,,to see time..not for matching my dress..I can assess a person just by looking at him/her most of the time..Thanks to my bro, i know all the boy tricks..and i cant be easily fooled..I have lost count how many times i have laughed in my head at all the tricks boys do and all the time girls fall for it..
So i had a brother..an elder brother..5 years older than me..i grew up watching him and so obviously i detested him and boys in general..i lived 19 yrs of my life with him..And then boom...he left us all..And became a real devil(rotting in hell i hope), instead of the devil in our lives,,,jokes apart,,I have thought about why he was there in my life, and how he influenced me, what diffference did he make in my life? ..I am not sure but i would have thought along these lines at least a gazillion times...in the last 11 years..after his sudden death...There have been the usual phases of mourning of course..denial, depression, moving on..etc etc..now i can talk about him without getting upset..99.99% of the times,,So coming back to the questions..He is still a mystery..and i dont have answers to a 101 questions..that i never got around to ask..or he never got around to answering...those secrets sleep along with him for eternity..But i do know what all influences he had on me...Looking back i can blame all of my tom-boyish tendencies on him..My poor husband had a hell of a time making me realize that i was actually a girl...So as most of you who had an elder sibling will know that you try to emulate them and consciously or unconsciously you are imitating their actions and some traits are already genetically drilled common to both of you. So naturally my weird attitude is genetic i guess..since my brother and i share the same weirdness,,,Anandraj,,Anandalakshmi..similiar names..May15,May 16..almost same birthdays,,both taureans..stubborn..bull-headed..loyal...die-for-a-friend kinda person...look exactly the same almost..tall..the genetic common traits stop there...He is a tight-lipped person and i am a chatterbox..for every hundred words i speak, he feels his one word or one look is suffiecient reply,,If he chooses to speak in sentences, more than 5 words, then it signals i m in serious trouble,,He was a practical kind of person,, a very no nonsense kind of person..Now i am going to accept this only once..even though it kills me to confess,,I liked him and wanted to be like him..so that he will like me..the silly thought process of a 5 year old girl i suppose,,so from an early age i always thought that all men do not like drama..they do not like makeup..too much gossip,,too girly appearances...crying..whining...all the gooey stuff...and promptly i made myself every bit less girlish..i am not the cry for everything kind, i bought sensible shoes, dresses..no high heels..no matching accesories..no hanging earrings..no flowers on head..i used to wear bata sandals which looked like men's footwear because they were so comfortable and i was tall enough without heels..i still do not know to walk in a high heel even if my life depended on it..because he liked corduroy material..i started liking it too..i only wear cotton, denim and corduroy fabrics to this day..even today i get tempted when i see a corduroy pant..My only hair do is a pony tail..i wore watch for its only purpose,,to see time..not for matching my dress..I can assess a person just by looking at him/her most of the time..Thanks to my bro, i know all the boy tricks..and i cant be easily fooled..I have lost count how many times i have laughed in my head at all the tricks boys do and all the time girls fall for it..
2 comments:
Anand bro is a silent person, thanks for the remembrance.
Anand is always a strong reminder for us all even though his body has tranformed into thin air now, yes thats what he has left behind (a hunch of ever strong rememberance on our backs). At note of a true and sincere sister, your words flaming out of your heart is seen.
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